Kaduk Naik Junjung

I had the shock of my life yesterday in Muzium USM's IN PRINT:CONTEMPORARY BRITISH ART FROM THE PARAGON PRESS function. Somebody was being obnoxiously rude towards one of the staff over there. My guess the officer was being high and mighty of her position as a big shot over at BC, what with her modern pant suit and murderous heels, she looked quite the trend, but her attitude deserves a stay in the sewage. It was a last minute decision or some sort for the British High Commissioner to Malaysia to present USM with a souvenir, therefore this lady seemed a bit panicky, or else, she would not have grabbed (like a crow) the neatly prepared tray bearing USM's souvenir for His Excellency from the gentle lady staff whose face was dead calm, though inside, i'm sure she has this image of the rude woman being chomped by a tiger. We all saw this. Mary as the MC could not help herself from bulging her eyes in awe though she did look pretty funny gawking like that. When the lady sat down triumphantly next to her Briton Colleague, the Briton tapped her gently on the elbow and mentioned her offensive behaviour. She did not approve of it. What monkey would? My inner self interrupted. You see, it disturbed me deeply since this discourteous woman, being a Malay, seemed to look down upon others. Even her Briton Colleagues smile 24-7 and shake hands with others. True, Malays are sometimes plagued with the Kaduk Naik Junjung disease.

New Blog

Dear Friends,

Frankly speaking, this blog is way too much for me to bear with. It only reminds me of my brother and i don't think i can take it anymore. When you're free, visit me at my new blog at
http://artofsteal.blogspot.com

Selamat HAri raya

Eidul Fitri this year sure is knocking on loud and cruel, like an unwanted salesperson. Come to think of it, Raya itself has been turned into another scheming marketing tool, with sales and catchy promises. Would it be the other way round, when my brother was (yikes, I'm using past-tense) around, I'd be one of the targeted consumers, what more with me sashaying my new job and bonus to spend. Now, even the largest sequined selendang forces me to throw up, apart from the ridiculous price tag. The first Raya means raya for mourning parents, raya for confused orphans, raya for involuntarily widowed wives and husbands, raya for heartbroken siblings, and raya for the starved and daif. Needless to say, also Raya for shark loans, raya for ulat tiket bas, raya for traffic personnels and raya for greedy malls operators. Finally the end users will always remain us. Raya shoes, ang pows for the little ones, try getting them something without dropping a tear. Without fail my brother used to get us, or hands us some bonus to go get what we want. No Cap Ayam, he warned. He'll take CIkgu Zahrah out to shopping and secretly get Cikgu Mad a complete set of baju Melayu every year. Without fail. When we're feeling like it, we'll get a family photo taken too. All that will change but hey, life goes on. We're all feeding on memories and when consumed too much, we'll bloat and eventually, die. Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri, I love you guys who keeps up with my blog for the past posts, and thank you for being there for me. Happy Eid Mubaraq

Angin bilang...

Yesterday, the air smelt of Tunku Kurshiah's earth but the sky was of Jitra's. So I've discovered the truth on mixed feelings. Part of me yearned to run and play on TKC's grounds and be childish again yet another half was already sliding furiously like the Pos Dipang mudslide. Anyway, t' was a comfortable sensation, though a bit tingling. Ever since my last personal visit to my brother's grave, I feel like I'm some how caught between worlds, it's a bit complicated. It was my first time looking at the new batu nesan, so big and sturdy, very much like the owner when life fills him. No need to bring along umbrellas into Perkuburan Rahmat, it's already shady and beautiful inside there. Almost a picnic, only without packed food, just a humble kettle of air mawar with one Yaasin. As I carefully spread the tikar, the clouds began rushing in clusters, showering every Rahmat's occupants with cool shades. Even if my heart was trembling and my lips, automatically quivered, there's a sense of calmness surging like water been absorbed by the Kleenex tissue. Upon tracing my brother's name carved on the new nesan with my unwilling fingers, my small frame of a body began jerking with hard, hard sobs. My only comfort was the rustling leaves mixed with chit chats of magpies, them playing around near me, wonder what’s on their minds? Where's my mind? I bit my tongue to stop crying and started to istighfar instead though my head was buzzing with questions. Then like magic, I heard the wind whispered gently, don't cry. The gigantic Gardenias traded secrets among themselves but in unison, they told me, don't be sad. Alhamdulillah…
Happier, I left for home.

Under the Rainbow

Rohku melayang, tak kembali, bila kau pun pergi. Meninggalkan yang terbaik, bagi kita semua. My soul is so not within my reach at the moment.She's just hanging up there, limp like a poor lioness whose back is broken from a nasty fall, it's carcass hanging like nothing from the branch, the eyes haunted, and dead. Darling eyes. No more. My eye muscle refused to work with the rojak emotions I held close within my heart, if you can name the turbulence inside me, no Katrina in this universe could match it. Ku coba kembangkan sayap patahku, tuk terbang tinggi lagi diangkasa. Stop. When you lose something you cannot replace. When you love someone it goes to waste. Who will try to fix me?

Land Of Elevators and Staircases

Bursary. Keeper of Ringgits. Bugger of a lifetime. Answerable to Auditors. Questionable to others. Conservative and proud. Unfriendly. Laser tongue. Makelife miserable. Don't make enemy with Bursary, must be friendly towards those who have the money. But it's not their money. Yeah, but they're the keeper. YOuuu'r''''eeeee Theeee Keeper of The seven Keyss…You lock up the seven seassssssss……

Sayangku ku mohon tetap disini temani jasadku yang belum mati rohku melayang, tak kembali bila kau pun pergi meninggalkan yang terbaik bagi kita semua Ku coba kembangkan sayap patahku tuk terbang tinggi lagi diangkasa melayang melukis langit merangkai awan awan mendung

Playing Around

I'm rejuvenated from all the games i played, yesterday and today. More to come for days ahead and i'm waiting for them with open arms. My it feels really good to have sweats running all over my body from head to toe. It's been decades, and i mean it, ages since my cheeks were puffing and screaming in red! The main objective is to socialise, or at least, sell your face around. If there's too little to do in the office, then go out and play games. It's the best way to know people, and even better, outside, they don't have ranks. A bit of a freedom, yeah. But still, when the Head of AR ordered C (for a few minutes, i was it) to go up, i had this shiver down my spine. Yesterday a game of netball, i only played for a mere 15 minutes but it's enough to tell people i exist in this university. Today it's badminton, and sometimes ahead, i'm going for table tennis. Who cares if you get smashed between the eyes, it's the laughter and fun which count the most. Sports and games are good for the health, physically and mentally.

Time and his Brood

Thank God no one tagged me. If somebody did, i would have died from realising the fact about the powers of Before, and After. Especially when a large portion of the Before will affect the After. You want to LIVE the memories, not LEAVE them. Sort of purging the details of BEFORE so that you could survive the AFTER, it's cruel.

'til Kingdom Come

Dearest Acaq..each and every word is how i feel about losing you..(inhale..)

Chris Martin
Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time, my time has come
Let me in, unlock the door
I never felt this way before
And the wheels just keep on turning
And the drummer begins to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know which way I've come
Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I've waited all these years
For you I'd wait til Kingdom Come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn't change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know what I've become
For you I'd wait til Kingdom Come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

Merdeka..

The green gutted Siamese or its infamous meaning in Malay, Siam perut hijau. Ever since Kedah-Siam conflicts, they're a bunch of barbarians, so it's not surprising to see them going back to their roots. This horrible piece of land will strike a deal with the devil if it could, just to save its own ass regardless the effect this deal has upon its neighbours, or even the world. It's in the history. I can't quite churn the fact where everything which involves Muslims will eventually lead to violance. The only element overlooked here is Ilmu. They're missing this thus gradually becoming the social pariahs in sadly, their own countries. Then again, there's no point in resolving to diplomatic approaches when certain parties perceive this as a namby pamby way of showing you're angry. Hence the violence, terrorisms, separatist and cults. Someone's afraid of us, should that be a thing to be proud of or thought of? It would scare the shit out of me too if God forbid, the ATM comes raiding and shooting my family members like tossing peanuts. Let's hope the turbulance in Southern Thai will cool down with the best resolution. It's a sad situation to see them begging for protection on TV3 last night. They're so lucky to get to cross the border into our country. If the same befallen Malaysia, please remember that we have useless and selfish neighbours. Are we aware of this? Merdeka.

Therapeutic Bridge

My friend finds herself enveloped with family hiccups. Looking at her feels like watching a pile of dirty laundry, so messed up and troubled. So last nite we decided to relax our minds at the infamous batu spot in USM near HEP, where the magnificent view of the Penang Bridge crossing the glittering Straits of Malacca greeted us without bias. I find it therapeutic despites the creepy and eerie surroundings. There's this urge to chicken out and run or just stand on top of the rock and shout, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Still, to gaze at the bridge and count the ongoing cars coming in and out of Penang, it helps to forget my own troubles, and hers. Less cars exit Penang and vice versa. Should my friend's problems flow like that, she's bound to go nuts. I hope she'll be okay.

Dreams and Landscapes

Last nite I had the strangest dream of forgotten crushes, one beautiful eccentric girl and betrayals. It was hurtful. When thinking too much of a person who hurts you the most, you're bound to have a taste of him in dreams. Or nightmares. I admit that part of the mess will always have a fair of contribution from my side. It's what happens when you keep mum when you're supposed to do exactly the opposite, expressing your feelings. Should this be one of my ilham, I will not want to write about it on paper cos it's excruciating. Every delicate lines and flawless skin of this beautiful black haired girl will always stuck in my head. What's more, her innocence is infuriating yet somehow, I was given no options to escape it. There's only a word to fit her:evil. And of that someone who made me cry, he wins. I let go.

When i See You Smile

And then I see you baby

And everything's alright, everything's alright

So right...

To Shah, baby here means his pet fish in his oversized bowl.

To Kak Mayrie, guess baby is her darling sweet heart

To my sister, baby here is well, her baby son, Ihsan

Mine is a piece of black peppered lamb chop

lapar...

Kois and Death

How to lead Ramadhan without your loved one? I'm writing as a sister who mourns her brother's death, not as a daughter whose parents had passed away. To watch your parents age at the speed of light in one hour, gosh..It tears your soul away when you see them wither away like a dying lotus. I can't believe Cikgu Mad had transferred all the koi from our pond of 18 years to my brother's. They share the same passion with koi ponds. He said there's no point in having one anymore. Now the koi pond is left empty, where it used to shine and laugh with the tortoises, kois,crabs, lotus,.. Parents who grieve for their loss of a loving son..It's the end of it for the other children. I'll have to move on with a very troubling image of my parents being sad for the rest of their life. My father is heart broken, beyond words. And he used to be a very strong person. He looks so beaten that i would trade my soul to make him happy again. My brother has taken a whole large part of us with him, the moment he breathed his last breath. Maybe a concrete family institution mirrors a koi pond. Take out one beautiful koi and the pond will lose it's magic.

I"ve mastered the art of barring the mind from buying unimportant stuffs. As bad as i want that RM25 straps, i can't have it due to financial constraint. This is a torture for a person who never had the chance to buy 100 pair of shoes in a day, and when the chance is right in front of my eyes, i had to let it roll by, in hope that those very pair will still be there next month. I doubt it they will. I'd finger the cotton curtain a thousand times before consoling myself that this is not the end. You don't have money and it's not important. Come to shoes, i'm very loyal to one. yeah, sounds ggross to only have a pair of shoes to work everyday. Dun worry, i'm sick of that pair too. But old habit dies hard. Not until the heels wear off then i'll get another pair. Same with sandals. I'm one of those girls who'll never see the point of having shoe racks. But yeah..Shoes are nice.. I remembered one time, we had a family function..yeah, my sister's wedding in KL. My brother was furious that both me and my sister bought kodi shoes. He was shouting, kasut cap ayam apa u pakai ni??? IN an instant, the kodi shoes were replaced with well...you can say they're not cap ayam shoes anymore. So shoes bring bad memories to me. ..everything is bad memories...Yeah..Bad, dumb memories..stupid..horrible memories..why did my brother has to go..

Finding Marissa

Upon entering Jambul Cafe, i saw Marissa. Wow. Like she told her sister, we haven't seen each other since..forever! Marissa used to take Malay language classes from me, i worked part time as student assistant in one language center here. Although i'm allowed to charge her at only rm6 per hour, i reaped billions from our friendship. To total up, it's priceless. Her love for this country had brought her back here after returning to Toronto. In fact, she speaks fluent Malay! For each syllable of English work i spoke, she would reply cheerfully in Malay. I'm looking forward to dragging her to each functions USM's conjuring in near future, she would love that. Marissa's still with her scarf, being a devoted Christian, she really carried what the Bible told her to. I'm glad i've found Marissa. I've lost her letter on the last day we met, together with her address and so on. Imagine my surprise to find her in the very cafe where we first met. True. When you've given up all hopes, the light may shine where you least expect.

Yati Zain yang Mulia

I"m getting manja rer everyday with my friends in USM. Kawan pun sape lagi, yang asalnya budak tkc aku jugak, si yatie zain. Dari dulu aku dok menempek kat budak ni walhal aku lagi tua, tua 5 bulan from dia tapi perangai aku macam muda 10 tahun from dia. Mungkin kalau aku adik dia, dah lama dia ketuk pala aku. So bila yatie dapat offer kerja yang sangat bagus di one of a great institution, i'm over the moon. MAti hidup balik pun aku takkan jumpa kawan sempurana macam Yatie Zain. When she's married nanti, i'm going to miss her soo much. Congrats YAtie Zain!!!!

Creativity

Come to the edge," he said.

They said, "We are afraid".

They cane.

He pushed.

He pushed them.

And they flew.

Guillaume Apollinaire

I'd want to the one who pushed, only give me time and i will help others.

You're Beautiful

Crispy morning and the best of dew

greets us morning when you came in view

t'was never goodbye nor was it the end

cuz it's just a matter of now and then

It's hard

to chance upon this poem when thinking of you

while raking the leaves off your home

and fingering the earth underneath them

It's sad

to sometimes hear the wind carry your voice

and not see your face

It hurts

to appear calm for the others

when inside i feel like a toddler

whose candy has been snatched in the cruellest manner

Cry

to only wiping my tears dry

when usually it was your job

You're beautiful

and you'll stay that way

Arrival of Kindness

James Blunt and Coldplay are finally here...Goody goody! Thank you, you know who you are.